My Personal Chronological Log of Thoughts

在你为某人开心的时候，你并不介意某人不知道你为他开心着；
在你对某人生气的时候，你介不介意某人不知道你因他生气着？

Nike, Addidas, New Balance, Reebok what’s not?

Branded shades, mp3 players, mobile phones, cameras, waist pouch, arm pouch, towels, caps and more caps.. even.. make up..

With all the gears, protection and branded accessories, you see none jogging. You see them applying layers of cream and yet it didnt makes them walk/jog faster. You see them flashing their IPHONEs and then they have no where to keep them. You see them in branded sports shoes, yet the passer by in leather shoes walks faster.. Oh, and do I need to mention dirt free and shinny?

What is their cause for joining? Charity? Showing Off? Networking? Time killing?

Welcome, to Standard Charted Marathon 2008.

It has been a while since he last drank. Yeah, ever since he was recog as the horny bastard, he stopped.

It wasn’t a fun thing at all to see other people showing off poker magic, cracking jokes, putting up masks to win a girl’s heart while he just sits like a dumb fart accompanying. Applause when the magic’s done, laugh when a joke’s too cold, fake a smile whenever needed, looks enjoying every sessions, footing bills for girl he is not related to.

He focus back to his career. He join his other friends. He found new entertainment and life is all starting to go well for him.

That very night, fated.

He saw that girl in the pub. Yeah, that superb gorgeous sexy lady, with that sexy lips, killer’s eyes, long and shinny hair, model height and smooth silky skins, most importantly, lead character of the whole horny bastard drama.

She did not see him. Off course she did not, he is just another guy who don’t butterfly around, not handsome, not rich, not tall, doesn’t drive, not funny and not good in sex.

But he saw her, at the same time, no sign of his friend. They were in a group. By right his friend should be there. His friend wanted her so badly, just like going “all in” in Texas Pokers, there is no way he is not sticking to her at such occasion.

“I din talk to him v long leh”

“Is I dun wan talk to him”

Totally not surprising but just didnt expected it to come THAT fast.

She is still the superb gorgeous sexy lady enjoying her youth to the fullest. But, where are you, my friend?

She thought I was kidding.

But I was really serious.

She thought that was some kind of pick up lines.

But.. Can you pick up an angel?

(女):是否很惊讶讲不出说话
没错我是说你想分手吗
曾给你驯服到就像绵羊
何解会反咬你一下你知吗
(男):也许该反省不应再说话
被放弃的我应有此报吗
如果我曾是个坏牧羊人能否再让我试一下抱一下
(女):回头望伴你走从来未曾幸福过
(男):恨太多没结果往事重提是折磨
(女):下半生陪住你怀疑快乐也不多
(男):被我伤让你痛
(女):好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
(女):若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破
(男):回头吧不要走
不要这样离开我
恨太多没结果往事重提是折磨
(女):下半生陪住你怀疑快乐也不多
没有心别再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
(女):若勉强也分到不多不如什么也摔破
(男):好心分手每天播
(女):可知歌者也奈何
(女):难行就无谓再拖
好心一早放开我从头努力也坎坷
统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手问你是否原谅我
(女):若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破

我想，我的毛病又犯了。

记得第一次发生时，害惨了自己，害惨了大家。喝酒喝到发了疯似的，每个周日忙到十二点；每个周末喝到四点才回家睡觉。大伙儿都怕了我，都避开我，还不知死活。最后搞到一群好朋友，大年除一晚在警局待到凌晨六点，还得“拍照留念”。

那次没学乖。

这一次，又犯了。犯贱似的，又犯了。

朋友们都被我累坏了。都怕了，都不回我的简讯了。

才知道，我又犯了。

也许，这会好像临迟处死一样。

只有慢慢一刀一刀的，独自一人的，无助的，淌血的，才能好好体会伤痛，才能痛定思痛。就算是把结了疤的伤口再割开第三千六百次，只要还流得出血，只要还能感到痛，就得继续把第三千六百零一刀给割下去。就算是黏乎乎，巧克力色的刀锋已经钝了，你还是得反复的割。

一个人的煎熬，心，也许，才能真正痊愈。

是的，还记得在电影《济公》里，张曼玉拿着发簪狠狠的划过脸颊，痛心的说到。。
是什么样的痛楚，能让人一辈子都不要爱情？
我以为我很懂爱。
历经四五段感情，辗辗转转十多年，结果还是一场空。
每一次的失败，就算再伤心，再难过，我都还能爬起来。因为自己都没做到最好吧？
这一次，心，却好像是碎成粉末了。
累了。
再也不知道什么是爱了。
只觉得一切都是谎言。假的，骗人的。
终于知道为什么一辈子都不要爱情了。
没有爱情的我，能过得好好的吗？
一步一步，我可以走遍天下。一天一天，我可以慢慢挨过。
我想，我行的。
James，你可以的。

He was involved in this relationship far too long until he cant remember when did it all started. All he can recall is those endless beer and repeating game of poker or dice.

The place doesnt change much. The attendees doesnt change much. The mood, up and down.

He started out just a listener, then an adviser. He recalled those days at the school gate where he would think hard for this friend. That relationship didnt went well, perhaps because of that he wanted this to be successful so much.

Then things got complicated. He met her on the online chat room and they exchanged MSN. He felt like he is a very low hard sell salesman pushing hard for the friend. But it is okay..

Things got worst when she first ditched his friend. He called her up and scolded her why she wouldnt give a chance. That night he was drunk too. He hope the pain will be fast and swift for his friend.

Miracle-ly, they are back on track again the next day. Curious, he called her. He wanted to know if it is for real. She said he was right the night before. She probably should just give his friend a chance. He was thrilled. "Finally!!" he thought.

But they werent couples yet. They behave so but there was nothing official.

Day passes by and they still go out to eat and drinks every now and then. But whenever there is something, anything wrong happened between she and his friend, both of them would text/call him. They would text/call him in the middle of the night, early morning or during working hour just to get the information they wanted. He complies, if that is the least he could help.

Then.. it happened.

One fine night she called him where everything is off record. She kept complaining and he kept persuading. He never liked salesman but he is behaving like the lowest rank of them that night. Then she started telling personal things between her and his friend.

He made his mistake there.

He wanted to lure more information so that he could have a better understanding, perhaps can find a solution hence he exchanged some secret as well. He is really too stupid. He done the dumbest thing.

Even standing as a father, one might not have the rights to tell his son which girl he should marry. But he did it.

Subsequent calls were picked up. Each time more and more information gathered, and more and more leaked. There were even conference call were he was made the silence participant. Once a programmer, he is clear that if the logic sums up, 1 + 0 will not equals to 2.

On one hand, he tries to let his friend realize that the fall could be very, very deep. On the other hand, he still try to hard sell his friend. He cracked stupid jokes to scare him but he did not know it was really fatal. He thought he has prepare his friend well.

Unappreciated, many times he wanted to quit. For his own career is taking off, his own relationship is in total chaos, and his family jumping at him for going out so frequently. Yet, he stays around.

He is tired from work yet he made his appearance. He is running low on cash yet he rather eat instant noodle. He is grounded from having any activity yet he dares the whole family for the blame.

But their relationship is really like the weather these days.. Sun shines and rains just kept switching. When it is bright sky, occasionally he will be invited out to join. When it rains, he is always blamed or suspected as the culprit.

And it all suddenly came to an end that Sunday. It was her decision. But his friend now knows he has been a messenger, and his friend thinks that he relays wrong info and causes the break off. His friend wanted to terminate their friendship.

He didnt foresee all these but he can just accept it. He knew his friend is hurt and only time can heal. He is somehow confused. His friend still wanted the girl, but the girl doesnt seems pretty interested. Should he try one last time to pull them together again? But at that point, he already knew he involved too much.. So he try his best to stay out of the trouble.

Then his friend text him that Friday asking him out for a drink. He did not hesitate. Even though he is only left with $218.45 to survive till the end of month and the drink itself might cost $84. But he think he can still survive. There really shouldnt be any problem.

He took a cab yet still reach slightly later, but it was fine. It was all just like normal. Except that there is additional bucket of beer. That, never appear before. But his friend said he has been drinking like that the past whole week. They chatted.. And his friend said he knew a new girl, even better. He listen. And then he hurried him to go fetch this new girl cos there is really too much liquor and beer and he do not want to go home late and drunk again.

His friend left, leaving him all alone. And the waitress came. $216, it read. $2.45 left after he settles the bill. $216? Then only $108 left to last till end of month, he thought. But there is still no sign of his friend. He called, his friend said the new girl is drunk and he cannot come back and he should leave himself.

But his friend was driving, and he already told his friend he is down to $2.45. His friend just told him to take a train home.

That night, he ran and ran to catch last train, walk and walk 40 minutes to reach home around 1am.

The next day, the girl message him, asking what happened. His friend wrote a blog sounding like he is sorry. His heart soften. That very afternoon, his friend ask him out to the same place again. He thought alright, maybe just one last time. Finish the drink, and end all the nuisance.

He reach 1st. Then the girl came. In the earlier chat she said she wanted to come take a look on the new girl and he already told her not to. But there is nothing he can do. Then his friend reached. Giving faces. Again there is nothing he can do.

They then sat in the pub. All quiet. Watching an MV which so coincidentally sounds like  his friend’s relationship with the girl. The atmosphere is too heavy. He went out of the pub. There’s no point having a session when everyone’s mood is like that.

His friend then came out and ask him why he dated the girl out, he said he did not. They then went in and his friends switching sitting places. His friend now sit besides the girl.

For that moment, he can swears to god with his whole family’s life, he was thinking that his friend will take the step to repair the relationship with the girl. But what came out of his friend’s mouth was.. shocking.

All of them thinks that he is a horny bastard who wanted to fuck all the girls, even friend’s target.

"How many girls you wanted?"

They trashed out on him and they told him the previous night was an intentional setup. Originally, they meant to teach him a lesson which will cost at least $800 but they spare him mercy.

When they were done, they switched sitting places to some other table in the same pub. He was left alone. This is what he deserved, yeah horny bastard.

There is nothing much that he can say. He made some mistakes. No matter what is his intention, no matter what he says, pointless.

It is said that "in the eyes of a lover, there can be no place for a needle". He fully understand that lover might be very jealous. But he never ever thought that friends for 20 years would setup such special treatment for him.

He text them good luck and take care that night. Now he just hope she burns in hell.

Jack, I realized I made mistake. There are things that I shouldnt say but I’ve crossed the line. But what you did to me on Friday is beyond repair as well. I still can shamelessly tell to my god that I did not want your girl. I totally have zero interest. Maybe upon judgment day when we met in hell and you can verify.

Lastly, quoted from your own sms, "and just an advice, stay away from cindy, she is wicked".

小胭，我总爱这样叫你。

淡淡的，你总是散发出致命的独特气味，叫人着迷，让人久久无法自拔。

你那白皙修长的纤体，仿佛不堪盈盈一握；你那银白的夷柔，千变万化图彩着一副副抽象画。

虚伪的人们总爱为你披上华丽花悄的包装；贪婪的人们总是想抽尽你最后的灵魂。而你，却总是默默地任由摆布，就算人们在利用完你时总爱再践踏你，蹂躏你。

而我，却总能看到你温柔的一面。在华灯初上的小酒吧里，轻抚怜惜着失意汉挂泪的脸庞；在黯然寂静的泛黄街灯下，耐心地聆听着拾荒老者诉讼着生命的痛楚。

你那不厌其烦聆听的耐性，却往往遭受无谓的排斥。女人们都视你为毒蛇猛兽，一哭二闹三上吊着要把你赶离男人的身旁。但一次次的，在烦恼时，在需要镇定时，甚至在和这些女人翻云覆雨后，男人们还是再度臣服在你独有的气质下。

而我，却久久也忘不了。

忘不了你温婉地陪着我挑灯夜读；

忘不了你豪爽地陪我在小码头诓诓而叙；

忘不了你微颤萧瑟陪着我征服高山；

忘不了，

在那一条回音荡荡的后楼梯，

你与我，

短暂但惊艳的懈逅。。

突如其然的，迷惘了。。

是三天前Ken打电话来所勾起的往事？
还是四天前几乎造成分手的那次争执？
又或者是前几天雅柔的婚礼，我竟因为害怕争执，放弃后的梗梗于怀？

妈说，三十转眼就到，如果是她了，就不要再拖了。
姐说，当时间到时，自然而然，我就会有＇我要跟她过一辈子＇的感觉。

可是，四年了，为何我什么感觉都没有？
是我还不够成熟吗？
是环境还不适合吗？
是条件还未符合吗？
是时机还没有到吗？
还是，爱，已逝去？

是否，只是因为爱已冷却了？
是否，只是因为生活太累人了？
是否，只是因为相处的时间少了？
还是，我无法预见五十年后的我们？

有人能告诉我，什么是爱吗？
现在的我们，有爱吗？
还是，只是因为习惯了在一起？

没有在一起后，我，会失落吗？
失落，会是因为不习惯吗？
不习惯，是否可以改变习惯？
如果，可以改变，是否，表示你能被替代？

相爱的人，能被替代吗？