My Personal Chronological Log of Thoughts

Few days ago, receive a small booklet from the HR personel about a company nearby is organizing a blood donation drive.

Hmph.. When was the last time I donated? Flipping my small little red booklet, “28 Jun 2005″. Gosh! Time flies!! I didnt notice that it was that long ago already. And I still thinks that I am a frequent donar. What a joke!15 months aint acceptable! A healthy person can actually donate once every 56 days! Which means I would have donated at least 7 times if I remembered.

For those who is reading this might find it funny. “What the heck this fella is thinking?? 15 months’ good enough, I never even donated once!”

Well, read on, and laugh later. Oh yeah, before you proceed, I will have to tell you something first. Just very very basic stuff, one unit of blood donated is roughly equivalent to one pint. The average adult has 10 to 12 pints of blood in his or her body.

Do you know..

* 1 out of every 10 people entering a hospital needs blood.

* Just 1 pint of donated blood can help save as many as THREE people’s live.

* People who have been in car accidents and suffered massive blood loss can need blood transafusions of 50 pints or more of red blood cells.

* Severe burn victims can need 20 units of platelets during their treatment.

* After donating blood, your body replace these red blood cells within just 3 to 4 weeks.

* There is NO substitute for human blood.

* Donated red blood cells must be used within 42 days of collection else it will be dispose.

BUT GUESS WHAT?

This do not happen in Malaysia! Because it will be in need so fast that this scenario does not happen. Yes, our National Blood Bank is really short of blood. Because people just do not want to donate blood. The number one stupid reason is because “they never thought about it”, second stupidest reason being “they are too busy”.

Well, busy my arse man! Think about it, just 1 hour or so of your time could have save as many as 3 people’s life! How precious is that?! You think that few ringgit you donated over teh tarik session last night helps saving many people’s life? Or that few out fashioned clothes of yours saved thousands of naked victim due to tsunami?

If you starts donating at the age of 17, 5 times each year, when you are 60 years old, you can proudly tell your grandchildren,

“Hey, your ah peh saved more than 600 lifes already!”

Can you be more proud than this?

600 lifes, my friend. that’s probably more than the number of people in that LRT you took just now. Probably more than the number of people in that cinema you enjoyed the movie just now. Probably more than the number of colleages you went company trip at Hong Kong. Probably more than all the schoolmates your lovely kid has in his/her kindergarden. Probably one of them is your friend, your relative, or even yourselves!

You do not have to be WonderWoman to be able to lift that LRT that is jumping off the track. You do not have to be Superman to blow off the poisoness gas that is leaking into the cinema. You do not need to be Batman to save the falling plane flying to Hong Kong. Neither do you need to be Spiderman in great dilemma not knowing to save that bus of lovely kids first or Marry Jane first.

All you need to do is just to fill in the medical history, quick physical, donations and snacks! Yes, it is that simple. No evil vilant, no guns and bullets, no fire, no flood.

So, come on, as long as you are more than 17 years old, and weight at least 110 pounds (50kg), you may starts to donate blood at any hospital near you! Because,

ITS ABOUT LIFE!

我想，你记得吧?

三年前在SS2的一个晚上，身穿黑衣的我，在朋友群中，爽朗的笑声，健谈的我。

你看不到吧? 前一刻蹲坐在冷冷的厕所，颤抖着抱头的我。

不知不觉中，我不再开心的笑我爱笑的话题。

不知不觉中，我不再联络我知心的朋友。

不知不觉中，我不再听我爱听的歌。

不知不觉中，我不再去常去的地方。

不知不觉中，我不再谈起我的过去。

不知不觉中，我不再活跃于社交圈。

不知不觉中，我不再是那个快乐的我。

不知不觉中，我成为了你要的我。

不再笑我的话题，因为你不知道我在说什么。

不再联络我的朋友，因为他们会让我想起我的前女友，会告诉我前女友的消息，会介绍坏女人给我，会撮合我和别的女人，会说你的坏话，会教坏我，会荼毒我的思想。

我不再听我爱听的歌，因为你认为是吵闹的，是听不懂的英文；是让我想起和前女友一起学的日文；是和日文模陵两可的韩文。

我不再去我常去的地方，因为那里有和前女友的记忆。

我不再谈起我的过去，甚至否认我的过去，最好我会失忆，人生只从认识你的那一刻开始。因为我的过去让你疯狂，我在认识你之前做了太多你讨厌的事情，我在认识你之前，是另一个我。

我不再活跃于社交圈，因为上论坛会被坏女人勾引，Yahoo/MSN/Mirc/ICQ 会有坏女人要和我搭讪，朋友的女朋友会爱上我，公司的老女人想对我投怀送抱，饭店柜台的女收银员会对我眉目传情，百货公司里的女售货员会借故对我挨挨碰碰，女客户们都想跟我有一腿，新公司里肯定有想跟我搞办公室恋情的女人，大学或研究室里肯定有感情泛滥的女人，街边所有的女人都是情妇，网路上所有的女性都性饥渴，甚至你身边的朋友都想色诱我。

所以，

我只能活在这狭小的空间里苟延残喘。

渐渐沉默，所谈的，都是关于你的话题。

警告朋友们别胡言乱语，最好，不再和他们见面。

用个小耳机，在你没空时偶尔听听从前的旋律。在你睡着的深夜里，孤单看着我想看的影片。

完全和家人以外的女性隔绝，甚至，绝交。

但是。。

你不满足。

你还要更多的我。

你说我对你不够关心，我对你的家人不好，我对你不够体贴，我对你不够忠诚，我对你不再像从前。

但是，

我还能做什么呢?

妹对妈说我变了，姐夫对爸说我没有了从前的光彩，妈说我不黏家，爸说我好像不是他儿子一样，同事说我无精打采，上司说我没了从前的冲劲，朋友说我重色轻友，甚至是陌生的外劳也对我说，”Hey, you looks troubled.”

然而，你知道我不开心吗?

“九月的风吹落最后一片红叶

空虚的灵魂燃尽最后的眼泪”

Everyone feels “blue” at certain times during his or her life. In fact, transitory feelings of sadness or discouragement are perfectly normal, especially during particularly difficult times. But a person who cannot “snap out of it” or get over these feelings within two weeks may be suffering from the illness called depression.

Depression is one of the most common and treatable of all mental illnesses. In any six-month period, 9.4 million Americans (340 million people in the world) suffer from this disease. One in four women and one in 10 men can expect to develop it during their lifetime. No one is immune from depression - it occurs in people of all social classes, all countries and all cultural settings. Eighty to 90 percent of those who suffer from depression can be effectively treated, and nearly all people who receive treatment derive some benefit.

Unfortunately, many fail to recognize the illness and get the treatment that would alleviate their suffering. They or their loved ones fail to notice a pattern and instead may attribute the physical symptoms to “the flu,” the sleeping and eating problems to “stress,” and the emotional problems to lack of sleep or improper eating.

But if people looked at all of these symptoms together and noticed that they occur over long periods of time, they might recognize them as signs of depression.

What Is Depression?

The term “depression” can be confusing since it’s often used to describe normal emotional reactions. At the same time, the illness may be hard to recognize because its symptoms may be so easily attributed to other causes. People tend to deny the existence of depression by saying things like, “She has a right to be depressed! Look at what she’s gone through.” This attitude fails to recognize that people can go through tremendous hardships and stress without developing depression, and that those who suffer from depression can and should seek treatment.

Nearly everyone suffering from depression has pervasive feelings of sadness. In addition, depressed people may feel helpless, hopeless, and irritable. You should seek professional help if you or someone you know has had four or more of the following symptoms continually or most of the time for more than two weeks:

• Noticeable change of appetite, with either significant weight loss not attributable to dieting or weight gain.
• Noticeable change in sleeping patterns, such as fitful sleep, inability to sleep, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
• Loss of interest and pleasure in activities formerly enjoyed.
• Loss of energy, fatigue.
• Feelings of worthlessness.
• Persistent feelings of hopelessness.
• Feelings of inappropriate guilt.
• Inability to concentrate or think, indecisiveness.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide. (Note: People suffering this symptom should receive treatment immediately!)
• Melancholia (defined as overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief), accompanied by waking at least two hours earlier than normal in the morning, feeling more depressed in the morning, and moving significantly more slowly.
• Disturbed thinking, a symptom developed by some severely depressed persons. For example, severely depressed people sometimes have beliefs not based in reality about physical disease, sinfulness, or poverty.
• Physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches.

For many victims of depression, these mental and physical feelings seem to follow them night and day, appear to have no end, and are not alleviated by happy events or good news. Some people are so disabled by feelings of despair that they cannot even build up the energy to call a doctor. If someone else calls for them, they may refuse to go because they are so hopeless that they think there’s no point to it.

Family, friends, and co-workers offer advice, help, and comfort. But over time, they become frustrated with victims of depression because their efforts are to no avail. The person won’t follow advice, refuses help, and denies the comfort. But persistence can pay off.

Many doctors think depression is the illness that underlies the majority of suicides in our country. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in America; it is the third leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24. Every day 15 people aged 15 to 24 kill themselves. One of the best strategies for preventing suicide is the early recognition and treatment of the depression.

Depression can appear at any age. Current research suggests that treatable depression is very prevalent among children and adolescents, especially among offspring of adults with depression. Depression can also strike late in life, and its symptoms–including memory impairment, slowed speech, and slowed movement–may be mistaken for those of senility or stroke.

Scientists think that more than half of the people who have had one episode of major depression will have another at some point in their lives. Some victims have episodes separated by several years and others suffer several episodes of the disorder over a short period. Between episodes, they can function normally. However, 20 to 35 percent of the victims suffer chronic depression that prevents them from maintaining a normal routine.

Sadness at the loss of a loved one or over a divorce is normal, but these losses can also be the trigger for a depressive episode. In fact, most major environmental changes can trigger depression. Job promotions, moves to new areas, changes in living space–all can bring on depressive illness. New mothers sometimes suffer with post partum depression. Birth brings dramatic changes to both their environments and bodies–a combination that can trigger a downward swing in mood. Depression also afflicts many poor single working mothers of young children. These women live with loneliness, financial stress, and the unrelieved pressure of rearing children and maintaining a household without another’s help.

不是从电视里爬出来的贞子。

不是年年二十八巴仙利息的欠款。

不是整整痛了一年不知为何的脚板。

不是年终公司被裁名单里有否我名字。

只是。。

让她看到我的部落格。

因为这里有我。

有真实的我，会泪流，会热情，会说话，能思考，能批评，能梦想，有记忆，有性格，有色彩，想分享，想炫耀，想未来的，我。

这里是最后的角落。

没有朋友，没有家人，没有爱人，没有人浏览过我的网页。

不需要。

是，我变了。

我害怕令人误会的流眼。

我害怕惹人猜忌的热情。

我害怕多说多错的说话。

我害怕逻辑结论的思考。

我害怕触怒情绪的批评。

我害怕遥不可及的梦想。

我害怕折磨煎熬的记忆。

我害怕谈笑风生的性格。

我害怕招人眼光的色彩。

我害怕暗结情丝的分享。

我害怕无能为力的炫耀。

我害怕曾几何时变得黯淡、无可掌握的未来。

我的未来，就只是眼前能看见的五秒钟。

我变得只能活在这五秒内的生物。

五秒钟前的是，我不得不忘记的我。

五秒钟后的是，突如其来的，让我害怕的事。

Weeks ago a female friend of my girlfriend broke off from a
very heartbreaking worthless relationship. Well, pardon me, but to me its really
worth nothing. Something happened, but the result was not to what my mind
predicted.. I cannot debug the logic at all. I’ll throw the condition, do the
math, ok?

IF ((Your boyfriend is reluctant to explains a flirty sms
send by a female)

AND (Your boyfriend approved few flirty testimonial send by
female but rejected yours)

AND (Your boyfriend rejects your calls)

AND (Your boyfriend totally ignored your collasped emotion
while your tears runs like river in front of him and yet he is still able to
enjoy his instant noddle while watching TV)

AND (Your boyfriend told you to drop dead in your
face)

AND (Your boyfriend has some secretive “close” relationship
with other female)

AND (Your boyfriend actually went womanizing while he is
still in relationship with you)

AND (Your boyfriend is broke now but doesnt even care to
work))

THEN
    IF (After broke off for weeks, he wants you to
return to him) THEN
       WHAT WILL YOU DO????
    END IF
END
IF

WHAT WILL YOU DO????
IF you are this girl?
Heck, I am
no female, neither am I those person whose emotion overrules rational. My
compiler will give me straight forward result, an infinate loop of “HELL NO”
until my memory buffer overruns, restarts, and repeats.

But somehow, the action of the girl was… em…  not really
in every normal person’s expectation. It is still too early to conclude
anything, but seemingly, the girl yes, fall prey to the guy again, yes, again
but this time fully aware, but yes, again.

No, this aint no those Korean naggy drama you’re watching
over Astro. The story is not ending after episode 12 or so. This happen to
someone in my reality. Sadly, I am no one to this female, not even a close
friend. My girlfriend thinks slightly different from me, she just advise this
girl to decide clearly herself.

Its just like seeing someone happily take down a few plates
of Chuka Iidako from the Kaiten belt, not knowing that its not rice based and
not included in the RM2 privilege bonanza BUT you are just another customer
sitting near by, sipping on your own green tea, chocking over the wasabi, and
having an ilegal double parked car outside the Sushi King Shop.

Aware, possibly resource full, but helpless.